Controversial Street Sign Bill would Label Rape Hotspots 

‘Beware of Rapists” street signs may soon be coming to an avenue near you.

In defense of his “grab her by the pussy” remarks, Donald Trump’s team of invalids is proposing Federal legislation that will require cities to identify sex crime hotspots with plain street signage. Alpha males are aggressive chauvenist hotheads, not rapist loser scum. Assertive assholes understand rape to be a crime of the Unamerican trash magnitude and not some harmless prank to be played on self righteous prude women willy nilly. Just because she doesn’t press charges when you grab her by the pussy doesn’t necessarily mean she is game for consenting sex. Intercourse is a sacred act between two exasperated workaholics intoxicated while on the job..everyone knows that. 

Included in the bill is language detailing the use of signs that also explicitly notify passersby that normally illegal sexual assault is permissible in given areas. This is the ‘Glory Hole Clause.’ A public shelter and safe haven for the traditionally submissive American woman who has no real respect for herself, these areas are free of moral judgement and promiscuity stigmas, enabling unprecedented inappropriate sexual conduct to take place. Proponents of the bill, fearing backlash from off-the-grid prostitution operations and gangs alike, are pushing for the availability of on-site vending machines with an ample assortment of both lethal and nonlethal weapons. Smith & Wesson will stock the vending machines wilst Tesla will provide power via top mounted solar roofs. 

E.L. Fudgepacker

New Ola COO Banking on Guided Imagery Soundtracks

Life is just way better with Ola. 

The largest competitor in rival to Uber has set forth in ambitious goal. New COO whips up deal with Spotify banking on customizable playlists for passengers. Directly from a smart phone a consumer will be endowed with the power to reign over the jukebox while in car.

Works have begun on the brain wave altering soundtrack dubbed the Urban Jungle. Neurologists are being recruited from the upper echelons of academic acclaim and corporate culture all across the globe. One track, called “the escape,” promises a ‘dry orgasm’ and is a growing favorite among C suite level executives under the unnerving duress of continuous business meetings on the road. 

Travis Kalanick, Uber’s own CEO, in utter disbelief hearing the news, set out for some good old fashioned reconnaissance. After a few dry orgasms, a smoke and a good cry, Kalanick vowed revenge by Uber. Drivers are now subject to a mandatory photography quiz enabling all Uber vehicles to double as photo booths. One driver was called a ‘designated selfie stick bitch’ and voluntarily resigned after an altercation turmed violent. For an added layer of competitive advantage, law enforcement radio frequency and semi truck radio channels are now available for the gossipy riders’ listening pleasure. 

Ola has its sights set on Oculus Rift video teleconferencing technology currently under development. With future hopes of offering up the college tuition debt addled freelance WebCam model community to consumers thru its Ride-A-VIP proprietary mobile lap dance venue, Ola’s name is echoing around Las Vegas based tech investor enclaves. The COO says demand for  ‘compartmentalizable sexual experiences’ are ballooning and will remain so for the foreseeable future as time becomes more and more precious. 
E.L.Fudgepacker

Windows Falling out of Urban Outfitters Retail Stores

The dismal scene of the aftermath in the wake of what some standers by called the “most scariest thing I seen while just going shopping.”

A group of local Poli-Sci students had the idea to make the second floor of Urban Outfitters the epicenter of a creative ‘impeach Donald Trump’ show of solidarity photo. Placing the palms of their hands against the glass from wall to wall a designated person was to snap the picture outside at ground level. 

Tragedy struck like white hot lightning when the windows began to give way crashing to the cement below. Employees said it sounded like they were “in a glass factory and a bomb went off.” The student responsible for the photography vanished and was unnavailable for comment, but mentioned off the record, believes Trump is behind the faulty windows and even thinks a traitor  infiltrated the gang. 

Their professor anointed the committee and commended them nonetheless for their revolutionary efforts. Stark Enterprises of Crocker Park replaced the glass on behalf of the students. Their professor’s younger sister holds a prominent position at Stark so it “wasn’t a huge deal.” Window Nation, a glass manufacturer based nearby, declined interview regarding allegations of hot and fresh contracts with Trump Tower utilizing their proprietary “eagle killing” impact proof window technology. ‘Merica is back!
E.L. Fudgepacker

White House Preps for Apple Sponsorship on Friday

Trump and Apple came to an undisclosed deal late in the afternoon Wednesday. Sources have since confirmed the White House inked the details in silence. “It was quiet enough to hear The Constitution take a whispy final breath” one insider mocked.

For the duration of President Elect Donald Trump’s sentence to The White House’s patio futon there is to be a nightly light show. A rolling apple will be viewable from the street tumbling around the 360° dome base. Caramel drizzle raining down is a wild card being considered. Starbucks reportedly “will stop at nothing to cozy up next to Apple in the golden age of Trump.”

Donald Trump spoke with Tim Cook while enjoying a few ritual morning pussy grabs. Tim riled him up with a joke about turning all the American retail stores into high tech vending machines. The new administration can not afford to look like losers losing dickloads of jobs. Apple beat China long time so what the hell. If Apple wants to help make America great again so be it. There used to be the Obama Phone. Now there is going to be the Trump watch. Made by Apple. You guessed it. And for a nominal fee you can get the Mainline Edition which directly injects either ginseng or crack. The only drawback for the Mainline Edition is that each injection is random.
E.L. Fudgepacker

Cheap Egg Fights Trend Pushing Caged Egg Supplies Way Down

Australia is leading the charge. The rest of the uncivilized first world is close behind. Streams of wild and free youth cluttering up the streets hurling eggs in every which direction. Clean up kiosks clogging up business districts and market squares with crews anxiously awaiting incoming embryos.

Down Under begun a devilish scene. Every public venue, park and landmark has a yolk to bear. People as far as the eye can see are walking on egg shells.

The newspaper robes are a dead giveaway. Baseball helmets oozing with sludge. Egg ammunition strapped onto makeshift belts of cardboard and duct tape. Personalized slingshots capable of blasting four eggs in a single catapult. Forearm shields fashioned from sweaty soccer shin guards. Egg fight enthusiasts are fearing the worst given the strain on caged egg supplies despite the scourge of wash resistant smelly residue at laundry.

Free range cartels are feeling the pinch. The number of omelette snobs are on the rise. Egg salad family recipe hoarders insist on the cloudiest whites and the flakiest yellows to imbibe their heirloom concoctions. Just don’t expect lights out on around the clock corporate cock fighting yet. Conscious consumers are only beginning to see in the dark. 
E.L. Fudgepacker

Grotesque of Athletic Proportions: Lebron James and His Girlfriend’s Superstition

LeBron James has his wife carry around two things. They’re both life size replicas of his genetalia. One is in the erect form. One is in the flaccid form. She’s not allowed to talk when he asks her questions, she simply holds up one form or the other to answer. As you could imagine this makes public outings rather eventful. Don’t expect to see them out and about any time soon. 

Fire Sauce Packets Filled With 24 karat Gold Nuggets

Taco Bell fielding questions after customers apparently discovered the shiny precious metal in reportedly ‘hard to open’ packets. Blacksmiths all over the country are saying this is the finest purity ever to surface at the fast food level. No injuries reported at this time sans the typical high gravity Hershey squirts from unaffected supply.