Mayor Frank Jackson has been deemed inordinately caucasian by the people of Cleveland, Ohio.
Late Sunday night a life sized dummy appearing to resemble Mayor Frank Jackson was splattered with Clorox and left on the steps of city hall for all to see.
The discoloration marks the culmination of days long resentment in the wake of multiple heinous mishandled crimes throughout the poverty stricken corrupt city. Reportedly, constituents are tired of hunkering down, citing dwindling kickbacks and favors from the compulsive con man.
Fox 8 News had difficulty obtaining a statement from the lifeless character. Still days away from pickup, garbage men are already fired up about disposing of the deadbeat political dummy. Concerns over pressure from Cleveland residents to leave the mannequin were cited. Crest, Colgate, the British Parliament and other whitening agent producers are stepping in to offer cleanup assistance.
Snow bunnies in the area were clueless as to what was actually happening. “WE SHALL UNDERHAND” signs were hoisted by a small crowd of hilarious non white supporters. “FIGHT FOR CIVIL WHITES” was another.
Life is just way better with Ola.
The largest competitor in rival to Uber has set forth in ambitious goal. New COO whips up deal with Spotify banking on customizable playlists for passengers. Directly from a smart phone a consumer will be endowed with the power to reign over the jukebox while in car.
Works have begun on the brain wave altering soundtrack dubbed the Urban Jungle. Neurologists are being recruited from the upper echelons of academic acclaim and corporate culture all across the globe. One track, called “the escape,” promises a ‘dry orgasm’ and is a growing favorite among C suite level executives under the unnerving duress of continuous business meetings on the road.
Travis Kalanick, Uber’s own CEO, in utter disbelief hearing the news, set out for some good old fashioned reconnaissance. After a few dry orgasms, a smoke and a good cry, Kalanick vowed revenge by Uber. Drivers are now subject to a mandatory photography quiz enabling all Uber vehicles to double as photo booths. One driver was called a ‘designated selfie stick bitch’ and voluntarily resigned after an altercation turmed violent. For an added layer of competitive advantage, law enforcement radio frequency and semi truck radio channels are now available for the gossipy riders’ listening pleasure.
Ola has its sights set on Oculus Rift video teleconferencing technology currently under development. With future hopes of offering up the college tuition debt addled freelance WebCam model community to consumers thru its Ride-A-VIP proprietary mobile lap dance venue, Ola’s name is echoing around Las Vegas based tech investor enclaves. The COO says demand for ‘compartmentalizable sexual experiences’ are ballooning and will remain so for the foreseeable future as time becomes more and more precious.
Trump and Apple came to an undisclosed deal late in the afternoon Wednesday. Sources have since confirmed the White House inked the details in silence. “It was quiet enough to hear The Constitution take a whispy final breath” one insider mocked.
For the duration of President Elect Donald Trump’s sentence to The White House’s patio futon there is to be a nightly light show. A rolling apple will be viewable from the street tumbling around the 360° dome base. Caramel drizzle raining down is a wild card being considered. Starbucks reportedly “will stop at nothing to cozy up next to Apple in the golden age of Trump.”
Donald Trump spoke with Tim Cook while enjoying a few ritual morning pussy grabs. Tim riled him up with a joke about turning all the American retail stores into high tech vending machines. The new administration can not afford to look like losers losing dickloads of jobs. Apple beat China long time so what the hell. If Apple wants to help make America great again so be it. There used to be the Obama Phone. Now there is going to be the Trump watch. Made by Apple. You guessed it. And for a nominal fee you can get the Mainline Edition which directly injects either ginseng or crack. The only drawback for the Mainline Edition is that each injection is random.
In an effort to minimize losses from the LGBT community who actually prefers to shop local, Starbucks has declared all their roasts gender neutral.
As you may expect Grumpy Cat is extremely upset about this formal public service announcement since there is yet to be a café that serves an androgynous brew.